A few days ago I checked out a recent ModPod podcast (I’m biased because it features many ex-colleagues that I’m still very fond of, but it is a great listen) which featured a particular ex-colleague disclosing that he has long suffered from Imposter Syndrome. I was very surprised, as I’d never have guessed he felt like this; he always seemed on top of his game to me. If we’d spoken about it a few years ago I’d have readily confessed to the exact same problem. 

For anyone who hasn’t heard of Imposter Syndrome before, Dictionary.com defines it as:

“Anxiety or self-doubt that results from persistently undervaluing one’s competence and active role in achieving success, while falsely attributing one’s accomplishments to luck or other external forces.”

What this feels like in reality is a pervading sense of dread during every work meeting, almost every work conversation even. Given a voice it would say “Any minute now…aaaany minute now someone is going to ask you a question, and you won’t be able to answer it, and then everyone will know that you have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what you’re doing, because you don’t, do you? Someone will call you out, as soon as they figure it out they’ll expose you as a fraud to everyone else, you don’t really deserve a job here as you are totally winging it, they’ll all find out, it’s going to happen any minute now…” – from experience, it can be quite toxic. 

For me, I started to experience this early on in my last job. I saw myself as having some pretty good ‘general’ work skills, but became suddenly surrounded by technical subject matter experts who had a wealth of knowledge and experience in their field in a mind-blowing way that I’d never seen before. I felt on the back foot all the time and was constantly asking questions. I focussed on all the things I didn’t know, instead of what I did know. 

Before I discovered this ‘thing’ had a name, my original response to it was to try and beat it by learning everything that the subject matter experts knew, as I thought more knowledge would make me more comfortable. Turns out that it takes quite a while to become ‘expert’ in a particular field, and also, learning in great detail about things that don’t actually help you to do your own job is not the best use of time. I’d lost sight of what I needed to learn to further my own career, and instead thought I needed everyone else’s knowledge. 

When I first came across the term ‘Imposter Syndrome’ it described absolutely everything I felt in my working life, and I was almost relieved to be able to call it something. At the time there wasn’t much advice on how to combat it though, other than to trust that even people who seem on top of their game are, in fact, winging it just like you. 

A huge turning point for me came when I had a baby. (Clearly I’m not advocating this as a solution to Imposter Syndrome for anyone else!) I was lucky enough that many of my friends had babies at a similar time, and I was part of an NCT group who were very communicative. Through many 3am WhatsApp chats it soon became abundantly clear that having a child is the absolute epitome of winging it. All new parents are totally clueless, no two days were the same, and best of all, no two babies are the same, so nobody could tell me I was doing anything ‘wrong’ – I was doing my best with trial and error like everybody else and that was absolutely fine.     

Returning to work after that I felt I had more bravado, and a new perspective that maybe I wasn’t the only one winging it at work after all. The Imposter Syndrome inner monologue has been quiet for me in the past couple of years. Getting my head around a new job now, I can feel the old anxieties knocking back on my door.

If you feel like you’re suffering from Imposter Syndrome – I share your pain. If you can be a bit brave, try being honest about it with colleagues, you may find that some surprise you and say they feel the same. There’s more ‘winging it’ going on than you realise. If you know of a colleague who is struggling with Imposter Syndrome, keep giving them support. It may seem that your motivational messages of “but you’re doing such a great job!” are falling on deaf ears, but I can vouch that they do really help.  

Thank you to anyone and everyone who has supported me in the past and helped me to not feel like a complete idiot sometimes, it’s been much appreciated. I’m not sure whether Imposter Syndrome is something you ever fully conquer, but I hope to shush it back to sleep for now.